I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
