god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
