For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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