yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
