I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
