And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I could fuck to npr.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
