"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
