He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
