My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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