my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
