Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
