my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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