Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
