how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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