I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
