booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
