As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
