Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
