just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Boobs speak an international language.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
