I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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