I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
