dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
pray to the hookup gods
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
