He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I supernannyed him into submission
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
