I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
