I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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