We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
