dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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