Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
