I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
