I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
