People with herpes should wear stickers.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
