cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
