My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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