OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
