Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
