she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
