My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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