but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
