Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
