she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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