rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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