new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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