I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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