News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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