My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
