Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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