That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
