God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
