I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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