Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
